Nobody does it all like Darren Schmidt (actually, he doesn’t do all that much but let’s just pretend).  What’s his recipe for success, you ask? 

2 cups… Sandish Ozolinsh

1 cup… Rob Blake

½ cup… that move

2 tbl spoons… dock worker 

Moisten with equal amounts of pimp (check the pager) and hustla.  Sprinkle with a dash of lousy golfer and a pinch of Dixie Chicks. 

Stir, chill and serve. 

Darren spent the summer campaigning for and winning the post of President of the Longshoremen’s Union.  Don’t be fooled by his friendly demeanour and snazzy stickhandling (which seem to suggest gay hairstylist), Schmidtsey is omnipotent (that means all-powerful for you illiterates), omnipresent (everywhere) and omnivorous (eats meat and veggies). 

Expect Darren to marry his partner of 26 years, Suzanne, sometime before the 2036/37 season.  Stay tuned. 

Forecast: Darren is Tribe’s most dangerous offensive blueliner, although Q-Com somehow out-pointed him last season (“Was that another 2^nd assist off your ass, Cucumber?”).  Darren is the epitome of a team player and will be invaluable to any run that our heroes hope to make this season.